Which NYTimes Op-Ed Columnist Are You?

A Personality Test!

1. You are the most reasonable person you know. It is a bit lonely being as reasonable as you are — so many people are less reasonable — but you are reasonable enough that you do not hold their unreasonableness against them. This does, however, cause you to inject a hint of melancholy into your otherwise analytically-sound, utterly-reasonable columns. Actually, you are so reasonable that you can find reason in the unreasonable — and your embrace of mystical Christianity has largely been about showing your quite-reasonable colleagues the limits to their purported reasonableness, their inability to extend their reason to the irrational, as the truly reasonable are capable of doing. Politics is a bit difficult for you — you have been toying with founding a Party of the Reasonable — but you have to been able to find no members. It turns out that anybody who becomes a professional politician does so through an overpowering ego — and the only figure you were able to identify for your party was a fiscally sound Indiana governor who turned out to be too reasonable to continue in politics. Fortunately, you have reserves of reasonableness available. You took the high ground here and the long view. One of your colleagues sometimes thinks he is as reasonable as you are but you can kick his ass in a reasonableness battle any day of the week. You are _____.

2. You have been wrong about everything, but you just do not let that bother you! More than anything else, it must be said, that is the real beauty of a walrus moustache. It is not just the way the bristles flare as you pontificate — although that is not to be underestimated. It is that — whether you are telling Iraqis to “Suck. On. This.” just after their country has been invaded, or telling anyone concerned about globalization that they are “flat earthers,” or predicting the imminent collapse of China (in 2000), or telling Americans (in 2001) to “keep rooting for Putin” — you radiate irresistible authority and gravitas every single time. You are _____.

3. Man, in the ‘90s you were such hot shit. George H.W. Bush had you on speed dial and told you all of his worst jokes. Your life was like an episode of The West Wing — actually, The West Wing sometimes went on vacation and wrote itself in your column! What happened? Everybody became less fun. George H.W. Bush stopped being the president and then died. Your brother Kevin came to visit your column a couple of times and then just moved in. What else can you do except to write the exact same column you’ve been writing for 40 years? It was fun then and it’s fun now. It’s not your fault if everybody got sad when 9/11 happened and then got sad again when Trump took over. Cut loose everyone! Dance the foxtrot or at least the YMCA! You are ____.

4. You are the second most reasonable person you know. You seem to have been born about 40 years old and a columnist for The New York Times. You are so reasonable that you can make Catholic integralism seem like common sense. UFOs and vaccine skepticism? Piece of cake for the reasonable! A ban on abortion? All in a day’s work. But there is one thing that rankles — why you can’t be as reasonable as your most reasonable colleague? Is it the beard? Does the beard that you seem to have been born with give you a slightly wild-eyed, slightly occult-scholar vibe? Maybe it’s the haunted eyes. Or maybe if you just dropped Catholic integralism? No no can’t do it! Anybody can be reasonable if they’re a strait-laced secularist. But if you want to be the most reasonable person you know it has to be done with a high hurdle: occult scholar-bearded, haunted-eyed Catholic integralist believing in UFOs and still so, so reasonable! If that doesn’t make you the most reasonable person you know, then what will, what will?? You are ____.

5. It’s not entirely clear what your qualifications are for your job but you don’t let that bother you! You’re just interested in everything! Grandma foods, cell phones in schools, the merits of taking vacations to places you’ve already been — it doesn’t matter, you have an opinion! There are those who question this wide-ranging disposition of yours, who wonder why it is that of all the people in America who have opinions The Times could only find someone whose former spouse was already (!) an opinion writer, but as a wise woman once put it, “Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo).” You are ____.

6. You feel bad sometimes about the baby voice you use to explain things to people, but what can you do? The. People. Are. Slow. Sometimes.

   And. They. Are. Especially. Slow. When. It. Comes. To. Economics.

   But. You. Have. An. Ahem. Nobel. Prize. Bitches.

   And. Since. None. Of. The. Other. Columnists. Have. An. Ahem. Nobel. Prize. It. Is. Come. To. Think. Of. Really. Very. Gracious. Of. You. To. Deign. To. Explain. Economics. At. All. You are _____.

What is that shiny gold object? Let’s read the writing carefully. Could it be….a Nobel Prize?!

7. You are everybody’s favorite aunt — you are just so full of fun and good spirits!

   Ok, so 80 times (!) was probably too many times to tell that one story about Mitt Romney, and it could be argued that ‘just let it all hang out!’ isn’t really a coherent response to the world’s ills, and a lot of your friends are worried that you’re spending too much around Bret Stephens, but whatever! You have a tune stuck in my head from a fellow Times columnist and it goes something like this: “Haters gonna hate hate hate….” And now that you’re in a good mood again, maybe it’s time to tell that story about how Mitt Romney once on a road trip tied the family dog to the roof of the car! You are ____.

8. You have a way of being overlooked, of blending into a crowd. Is it that there are just too many columnists or is it that it’s always slightly predictable what you’re going to say? You do have a talent for getting things wrong, but with not quite the same flamboyance that a certain mustachioed colleague of yours gets things wrong. Maybe that’s your mistake. Why insist that Trump’s campaign is about to collapse….any second now….when you can go so far as to predict China’s imminent collapse? Why predict an impending civil war in America when you can launch actual war in the Middle East? Ah yes. The art of being eggregiously wrong isn’t hard to master. But shouting it from the rooftops sometimes is. Maybe if you grew a walrus mustache? You are ____.

9. You are an animal. You roam the world seeking out injustice. Myanmar. Niger. Yemen. Syria. Niger. Did you say Niger already? Darfur — mustn’t forget Darfur. You know your columns feel a bit rushed sometimes but it can be hard getting a clear enough signal to dictate into the sat phone in the refugee camp. Ok got to go! Niger calls. Or is it Darfur? Well, you’ll figure it out once you get to the terminal. One thing’s for sure, somebody somewhere needs saving! You are ____.

   a) Gail Collins b) Maureen Dowd c) Nick Kristof d) David Brooks e) Paul Krugman f) Charles Blow g) Pamela Paul h) Tom Friedman i) Ross Douthat