The Substack Trail

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Welcome player to Independence, Missouri, where you are launching your Substack! It will be a hazardous undertaking subject to unsubscribes, loneliness, anxiety, petty squabbling, mindless scrolling, typhus, dysentery, and snakebite. Should you succeed, however, you will become a freelance writer happily homesteading in Oregon’s plentiful Willamette Valley. Do you accept this challenge?

Player does.

Great! You will have several choices to make here in Independence before launching your Substack! Choose carefully because the choices you make may stay with you all the way to Oregon. Which of the following supplies would you like: oxen, wagon, spare axles, clothes?

Player selects three (3) head of oxen, one (1) Conestoga wagon, two (2) spare axles, ten (10) sets of clothes.

And which of the following would you like to set your Substack to?

1. Intemperate analysis of politics with no particular knowledge or expertise

2. Fictional or otherwise heartfelt pieces written from the soul and often involving years of preparation

3. Just general complaining

4. Multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

Player sets Substack to ‘Fictional or otherwise heartfelt pieces written from the soul and often involving years of preparation.’

It can get lonely on the way to Oregon! But you will set out from Independence with the following trail companions:

1. becca rothfeld, high in erudition and can fix a broken axle

2. Brandon Taylor, high in charisma and a mighty hunter

3. Philip Traylen, high in erudition and contrarianism

4. Justin Smith-Ruiu, a gifted storyteller with many tales to while away the lonely nights

Do you wish to change or rename any of your companions?

Player accepts all companions.

You set out in the Year of Our Lord 1848 seeking a better life. May the trail treat you kindly!

Player leaves Independence.

Oh no! A broken axle! Fortunately, Becca Rothfeld fixes it with her superior carpentry skills. You reach Fort Kearney! Would you like to exchange any of your settings or companions?

Player declines and continues on.

You have reached the Kansas River. Would you like to:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Tell a story on your childhood love of reading and how that fostered your spiritual development as an adult

4. Switch to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

Player tells a story on their childhood love of reading and how that fostered their spiritual development as an adult.

Oh no! That lost you five subscriptions. How would you like to proceed?

Player caulks the wagon.

You have successfully crossed the Kansas River! At Chimney Rock there is a message for you from Substack President Hamish McKenzie asking if you would like to invest some of your trail money in Substack as part of a community investment round. Do you invest or press on?

Player presses on.

You have reached Fort Laramie! There is a message for Becca Rothfeld inviting her to be a columnist for The Washington Post. She accepts the offer and returns to Independence. Would you like to change any of your settings or exchange supplies?

Player changes to ‘Intemperate analysis of politics with no particular knowledge or expertise.’

Congratulations! You have gained 200 subscribers. After collecting your subscribers, you leave Fort Laramie. There is another party of settlers on the trail huddling in consternation. Do you pause to see what the fuss is about?

Player pauses.

You are informed that there are Nazis spotted on the trail! Do you:

1. Write a series of manifestos defending free speech

2. Totally freak out, write a letter of protest and then move to Beehiiv

3. Politely ask for more information and wait for the storm to blow over

4. Hunt for bison, which are abundant on these plains

Player hunts for bison.

Brandon Taylor shoots three bison but your party can carry only 200 lbs back to the wagon. You reach the Big Blue River, but the river is high and a camped party discourages crossing until the water goes down. Do you:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Denounce Israeli genocide and call for the recognition of a Palestinian state

4. Ask Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell a campfire story for yourself and the camped party

Player asks Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell a campfire story.

An enjoyable night is spent beneath the stars but in the morning the river is still flooded. Do you:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Denounce Israeli genocide and call for the recognition of a Palestinian state

4. Ask Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell a campfire story for yourself and the camped party

Player denounces Israeli genocide and calls for the recognition of a Palestinian state

Oh no! The majority of your subscribers are Jewish and you lose half of them from your intemperate post. Do you:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Denounce Israeli genocide and call for the recognition of a Palestinian state

4. Stress the complexities of Middle Eastern history and discuss Palestinian sabotage of the peace process at different moments of the past century

Player caulks the wagon.

You successfully cross the Big Blue River. You pass a weeping woman. Do you stop to comfort her?

Player stops.

“Kind sir,” the woman says to you, “I put my setting on ‘Fictional or otherwise heartfelt pieces written from the soul and often involving years of preparation’ and now I haven’t a penny to my name and will surely starve. Would you consider a paid subscription?”

Player ignores the weeping woman and presses on.

You reach Soda Springs. Brandon Taylor hasn’t been able to stop thinking about tennis the entire time and returns to Independence to focus on tennis instead. Shortly after Soda Springs, you pass a party of settlers huddled in consternation. Do you stop?

Player stops.

“Howdy pardner,” says a member of the party. “Nazis have been spotted on the trail once again and we’d like you to join us in going after them.” Do you:

1. Join a posse to hunt the Nazis

2. Deliver a diatribe defending the value of free speech

3. Offer to trade a few of your extra clothes for pelts

4. Switch to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

Player delivers a diatribe defending the value of free speech.

The party looks on in confusion.

Player offers to trade a few of their clothes for pelts and, after the trade is done, continues on.

You have reached the Green River. Do you:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Denounce Israeli genocide and call for the recognition of a Palestinian state

4. Stress the complexities of Middle Eastern history and discuss Palestinian sabotage of the peace process at different moments of the century

Player stresses the complexities of Middle Eastern history and discusses Palestinian sabotage of the peace process at different moments of the century

Oh no! Unfortunately, your Jewish subscribers have by this time all left and the leftist subscribers who flocked to your Substack after your last post now leave en masse. Every one of your subscribers is either somebody personally known to you or Emma Horsedick. Do you:

1. Ford the river

2. Caulk the wagon

3. Switch to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

4. Ask Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell a campfire story

Player caulks the wagon.

You have successfully crossed the Green River but a hard winter awaits you in the Rockies and Philip Traylen has had an argument with you and set off for Oregon on his own. Do you switch to a multi-level marketing scheme that might increase your subscribers and raise morale or do you press on?

Player presses on.

You have reached the Blue Mountains as winter is settling in, bringing your party’s health and morale to dangerously low levels. Do you:

1. Hunt for bison

2. Ask Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell you a campfire story

3. Switch to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

4. Press on, risking your life and your party’s in the dangerous crossing

Player hunts for bison but catches only one rabbit.

Do you:

1. Hunt for bison

2. Ask Justin Smith-Ruiu to tell you a campfire story

3. Switch to a multi-level marketing strategy offering growth tips for other Substackers

4. Press on, risking your life and your party’s in the dangerous crossing

Player presses on.

Justin Smith-Ruiu has died of snakebite and is buried beneath this marker in Idaho. He is remembered for his great courage on the crossing and marvelous storytelling. Do you:

1. Hunt for bison

2. Switch to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

3. Press on, risking your life and your party’s in the dangerous crossing

4. Stop to camp as the winter closes in around you and hope to continue your journey in the spring

Player switches to a multi-level marketing scheme offering growth tips for other Substackers

Your health is raised! Your morale is raised! You have earned 100 new subscribers! Your integrity plummets to zero. With your health and morale, you make rapid progress and reach the Columbia River. Do you:

1. Raft down the rapids

2. Take the slower Barlow Road

3. Rest by the river to recover your integrity

4. Tell yourself a campfire story

Player rafts down the rapids

Congratulations! You have reached the Willamette Valley. It was a hard journey and your integrity plummeted to zero, but you have prevailed. You may now look forward to a lifetime of farming in Oregon and freelancing articles to publications based on the modest reputation you earned for yourself on the Substack Trail — unless you would prefer to play again?