Match the Classic Work of Literature to the Pitch Proposal!

Writing Life

1. Ok. We understand that 50,000 words is your preferred length for literary fiction and that the 600,000 of this MS is pushing it, and we do understand that 580 distinct characters is a lot and that the essays on the divine shape of history may “lose readers.” Is it precious or something to say that we believe the work nonetheless has literary merit? 

2. We understand if this one traffics in a few too many anti-Semitic tropes for your firm’s taste. The protagonist does speak in beautiful blank verse! But he is a vicious moneylender. But he does give a really rousing speech defending his basic humanity! But he does insist on lobotomizing and dismembering any of his borrowers who can’t pay up. But in any case all ends happily when his daughter runs off with his wealth, including his dead wife’s ring, and a court forces him to convert to Christianity on pain of death. 

3. This one is a real ripping read! Our protagonist creates the heavens, separates the waters beneath from the waters above, creates the fish of the sea and the fowl of the air, and the Leviathan, and takes a day off — and that’s all in the first couple of pages! And then there’s pillaging of cities and locusts and lice and the slaughter of the first-born and lots and lots of incest! It does slow down a bit with the lists of numbers and our author has so far been reluctant to make changes, but we’re hoping by publication to at least lose 2nd Samuel and a couple of the minor prophets. 

4. The author of this stunning book of poems is 16-years-old. His hobbies include ejaculating into his roommate’s milk to see if he’ll notice; and adding the word ‘shit’ to every line of other poets’ work to improve it. He has a bad record with roommates and very few friends back at school, but there are those who view his surly disposition as part of a charming looseness of spirit! If you do choose to publish, please do give us some time to track him down again! He is currently believed to be in Belgium trying to convince some professional terrorists to blow up the whole world and not just France. 

5. In this charming tale, with its themes of high fashion and labor relations, a young woman is introduced into indentured servitude by her family and her surprisingly accommodating father. But all ends well when she sneaks off to a ball in a pumpkin and her sisters chop off their own heels in an attempt to fit into her shoes. Great for children!

6. In this sequel to a wildly successful franchise, the tone and approach shifts abruptly — but in a way that we find somehow calming and inspiring. Our main character quits his job, makes friends, and has many stimulating conversations across a lush desert landscape. (Think Tuesdays With Morrie meets Lawrence of Arabia!) He is then, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, brutally executed — but in a manner that some readers may find surprisingly edifying to meditate upon. I know that seems bleak, but then in a surprising twist he comes back to life! — and saves the world! (Or will do so in a forthcoming sequel.) 

7. This one admittedly gets off to a slow start, since the wife of Martin Harris has hidden the first few pages and refused to give them back out of dislike for the company her husband is keeping, and the initial chase scene may be confusing to some readers. And the title character barely shows up in the text. And the author is a 24-year-old treasure hunter. And one of our early readers described it as “chloroform in print.” And there isn’t really all that much evidence for a Christlike Hebraic civilization preceding the North Americans Indians. But, seen in the right frame of mind, it’s not so much more far-fetched than anything else that anybody believes. 

8. Our main characters are hopelessly stuck for ten years and can’t do much except chat and sulk and interpret one another’s dreams until they come up with the idea of pretending to run away but actually hiding inside of a giant horse!

   Genre: historical fiction. Themes: homoeroticism.

9. This book has an unusual revenue structure but we think you’ll like it ultimately! Book sales are one thing, but the royalties will really start to kick in once devoted readers are encouraged to give away all of their life savings in exchange for a visit to our not-for-profit’s boat.

10. The author of this breathtaking poem uses a highly sophisticated and formally innovative iambic pentameter to talk to his penis. When this was being workshopped, other interpretations were floated, including allusions to Latin literature and the Anglican church, but if you publish this, you should know: this is a poem of a man talking to his penis. 

11. Having gamely stuck with our author for six volumes, you’ll be thrilled by the big reveal in volume seven: that two country lanes from the author’s childhood are actually parallel to each other and don’t at all point in opposite directions as he had always assumed! 

12. In this pathbreaking, genre-bending play, nothing not only happens once but twice! You’ll be delighted by the twist that the main character — charismatic and enigmatic — never actually appears! And, instead, we are treated to a monologue delivered entirely in gibberish by a character who can only speak when he wears a hat. 

a) Illuminations b) The Iliad c) Cinderella d) Waiting for Godot e) The Book of Mormon f) War and Peace g) The New Testament h) Time Regained i) “Thou Fondling Motley Humorist” j) The Old Testament k) Dianetics l) The Merchant of Venice